


running around leaving scars

by were1993



Category: Super Junior-M
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 20:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2123400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/were1993/pseuds/were1993
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The worst part is that he doesn’t do it on purpose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	running around leaving scars

\---

Zhoumi first meets Kyuhyun in 2006. 

They shook hands and smiled at each other. They had mutual friends so they ended up at the same restaurant, sitting across the table from each other. But during all of dinner, they exchanged more side dishes than words. It was alright though. At the time, Zhoumi had just moved to Korea and Kyuhyun had just started college.

\---

(From across the table, Zhoumi thought Kyuhyun needed to eat more and Kyuhyun happily accepted all the food Zhoumi pushed to his side. Neither of them cared to know anything more.)

\---

In December of 2006, they were set up on a blind date by said mutual friends. Even though Zhoumi was too eager to please and Kyuhyun too uptight to notice, somehow the night didn’t end up as a disaster. And between language confusion and direction mishaps, they managed to get back to Kyuhyun’s apartment. 

“If it’s okay, I would like to see you again,” Zhoumi said, digging his sweaty fingers into his coat pockets. Kyuhyun turned to him, lips still tight in a nervous line but eyes contemplating. The taller man leaned in slowly, waiting to see if the younger would back away but Kyuhyun stayed. Of course, Zhoumi managed to miss when he tried to kiss Kyuhyun’s cheek. 

Somehow, Kyuhyun didn’t freak out when their lips came in contact. Neither of them closed their eyes, and when Zhoumi back away quickly with a sorrysorrysorrysorry at the tip of his tongue, Kyuhyun beat him to the punch.

“Yeah,” the younger man said. “Call me.”

Then Kyuhyun clamored into his apartment and shut the door.

\---

(Sungmin, who shared the apartment, revealed sometime in March that Kyuhyun had stumbled to his room and stayed up all night, staring at his computer screen blankly with his mouse hovering over the Starcraft icon.)

\---

In 2007, Kyuhyun’s birthday almost changed things. Zhoumi hadn’t been sure how much he was allowed to do and Kyuhyun wasn’t sure what to expect. Just when they had begun to be more relaxed around each other, not worrying whether Kyuhyun would judge his accent or whether Zhoumi would be disappointed in his fashion sense, they seized up again. 

Zhoumi who loved intertwining their hands had rediscovered the bottoms of his coat pockets, and Kyuhyun who secretly liked holding hands realized how cold winter in Seoul was without his personal mitten. Whatever they had almost broke apart until Kyuhyun found out that the bottom of Zhoumi’s coat pockets were warmer and never lonely. And the crisis was averted. 

They went out with their mutual friends for Kyuhyun’s birthday and Zhoumi walked Kyuhyun back to his apartment, their hands intertwined in his coat pocket. 

One step at a time.

Just as goodbye was on their lips, Zhoumi pushed Kyuhyun against the door. They fell into Kyuhyun’s apartment with flailing limbs and hot mouths. 

And once in a while, maybe two steps.

\---

(Heechul, who was one of their mutual friends, complained that they were way too lovey dovey and that they were going to give everyone cavities. In 2007, he was still in denial over Hangeng.)

\---

In 2007, Zhoumi’s birthday changed everything. 

After a long night at the library, Kyuhyun took a taxi cab to Zhoumi’s apartment. It was going to be a surprise and he even texted his roommate where he’d be. But Kyuhyun never made it there. 

Unlike movies and dramas, Zhoumi slept dreamlessly though the night. It wasn’t until he woke up the next morning that he received a couple hundred texts from all his friends—why aren’t you picking up, is Kyuhyun at your place, potential brain damage, please tell me he is, I got a call from his mother, accident, coma, might not survived, oh god Seasoning why aren’t you picking up?! 

Of course he silenced his phone the night before, of course he didn’t think of picking Kyuhyun up that night and of course the guilt came. 

\---

(In 2007, Hangeng had been fearful that if Kyuhyun hadn’t come out alive, Zhoumi might not have either. And it was then that Hangeng said he had been pretty certain that Zhoumi loved Kyuhyun.)

\---

Kyuhyun kept his life but lost his future. 

\---

(Some nights, Zhoumi wonders which was worse.)

\---

Kyuhyun damaged a part of his brain that made new memories. 

He remembers the awkward blind date and the even more awkward kiss after it. He remembers walking down the street with their hands in Zhoumi’s pocket. He remembers wrapping Zhoumi’s present and setting it next to him in the cab. He even remembers the pain and wondering which breath would be his last.

But he won’t remember the first time Zhoumi said I love you in 2008, even though he said it back. He won’t remember when Sungmin moved out in 2009, even though he helped Zhoumi move in. He won’t remember that Hangeng went back to China in 2010, even though he drank that night away with Heechul who was no longer in denial but too late.

Yet those things didn’t bother Zhoumi—he doesn’t mind reminding Kyuhyun every morning and night I love you with a soft whisper and a kiss on the cheek since he would have done it regardless, accident or not. Sungmin gets a kick out of confusing the younger man whenever he comes around, and Heechul is thankful someone doesn’t look at him with a pitying gaze at every mention of Hangeng. While Zhoumi might complain under his breath, he can live with Kyuhyun throwing out an anniversary present, thinking it was just another watch, and in the long run, whether Kyuhyun remembers where they went for three day vacation really could matter less. After all, that’s what pictures and social media was for. 

No, Zhoumi was scared that one day, he won’t be the man Kyuhyun remembers loving. He’s scared of changing, scared of losing himself, scared of losing Kyuhyun. So he tries his hardest to stay still in the rush of change.

If Kyuhyun couldn’t move forward, then Zhoumi wouldn’t either.

\---

(Henry calls Zhoumi a drama queen and rolls his eyes. He went to the same university as Kyuhyun but they didn’t meet until after April 2007. 

“He has difficulty retaining information,” Henry says. “It doesn’t mean he doesn’t remember at all. If he didn’t, then how could he remember my name?” 

It took Kyuhyun four years—right up until graduation, but he finally managed to recall Henry’s name on his own. And it’s these little things that keeps Zhoumi going.) 

\---

“I love you.”

The first time Kyuhyun said that out of the blue, Zhoumi was taken aback and almost dropped his coffee mug. Usually the younger man merely echoed back the sentiment after Zhoumi said it as though it sat on his mind, never quite surfacing without a pull. But, sitting at the couch with warm eyes, Kyuhyun said it without prompting or memory. It made Zhoumi’s heart skip a beat and he almost forgot how to breathe.

“Why do you say that?” Zhoumi finally whispered, unsure but hopeful.

“I feel it,” Kyuhyun says. Then he hesitates but adds on quietly, “And I remember this feeling.”

Zhoumi feels his lips spread into a smile; a smile so large his eyes pricked with tears—until they fell, tumbling down his cheeks.

Kyuhyun ran up to him, confused and worried, wiping away the fat tears with gentle fingers, and Zhoumi didn’t bother to explain. Kyuhyun wouldn’t remember what he’d say but maybe, maybe if Zhoumi kissed a little harder and hugged a little tighter, he would recall the warmth on his lips and the pressure around his waist. 

Then maybe tomorrow, Kyuhyun would say it again—I love you—and Zhoumi wouldn’t cry. 

\---

(He still cries the next day but Kyuhyun seems to expect it. The younger man punches him lightly on the arm and teases, “Aigoo, crying again.”

That merely set off a new wave of tears and then Kyuhyun starts panicking.)

\---

Zhoumi didn’t fall in love with Kyuhyun right after the accident as most of their friends’ thought—“Sorry gege, you were wrong and my legs are still longer.” 

During that time, all Zhoumi could think of was this child—Kyuhyun was really a child then, in his first committed relationship, visiting home once every week and sporting baby fat on his cheeks—almost lost his life because his boyfriend, older and supposedly more responsible, didn’t think a little more.  
¬¬  
“No one could have seen it coming,” their friends insisted, but it didn’t matter whether Zhoumi could foresee it or not. It happened and he couldn’t do anything to change it.

Zhoumi was there every step of the way for the younger man, sprinting over to the hospital after class, after work, after waking up, and maybe that’s why people believed Zhoumi was in love. But the heaviness chaining him to Kyuhyun was nothing affectionate. He would call it guilt or self-loathing, but he no longer remembers the exact feeling. He’s not sure whether his mind blocked it out intentionally or his love—when he did fall in love—overcame those shadows in his mind.

So when exactly did he fall in love? Amongst the laughter and kisses, Zhoumi wishes he remembered. 

\---

(Kyuhyun knows when Zhoumi fell in love. Even if he doesn’t actually remember it. It’s penciled into his diary. Something his doctor insisted that he keep. 

Today felt different. It no longer feels like he’s going to leave.

Kyuhyun doesn’t actually know that he knows, but he must have remembered something. So when Zhoumi confessed two weeks later, Kyuhyun didn’t even consider any other answer.)

\---

Zhoumi almost walked off twice. 

The first time he had one hand on the doorknob and a suitcase in the other. Then he had been tired. Tired of being patient, tired of being forgotten, tired of pretending to be happy. 

He wasn’t happy. Kyuhyun wasn’t happy. What was he even doing? Trying to be someone to Kyuhyun when all he’d ever be was that first boyfriend. 

“I didn’t plan to stay with you,” Kyuhyun admitted the night before. And all the tiredness from weeks and weeks ago seeped into Zhoumi’s heart, drowning it.

No matter what he did, Kyuhyun would only remember him as that first boyfriend he didn’t plan to stay with. 

“Where are you going?” Kyuhyun asked, just as Zhoumi opened the door. 

“O-out,” Zhoumi stutters. His heart falters just a moment. He grips the doorknob harder. No, Kyuhyun would not remember tomorrow. Zhoumi can just leave and that easily be out of Kyuhyun’s life.

“When are you coming back?” Kyuhyun questions, searching his pockets.

“Tomorrow,” Zhoumi answers, heart calm. Yes, he needs to leave now before he falls even more. Kyuhyun won’t even remember. 

“Ah, okay,” Kyuhyun responds distractedly. “Done.” 

Curious, Zhoumi turns and sees Kyuhyun fiddling with his cell phone. 

“So I don’t forget,” Kyuhyun says with a childish smile. He holds up the alarm. It’s set at five-thirty in the afternoon with the note Zhoumi will be back today, welcome him back. “Right after class.”

Zhoumi drops his suitcase in the doorway and leaves the door wide open. Ignoring Kyuhyun confusion, Zhoumi pulls the younger man into a crushing hug. Suddenly he’s not tired anymore. 

It’s okay, he thinks to himself. As long as he tries and Kyuhyun tries, it will be okay. 

The second time isn’t even worth mentioning.

\---

(Zhoumi gets mad, Kyuhyun gets mad, and they say things they don’t mean. 

“Maybe you’re right,” Zhoumi yells. “Maybe I should leave and find someone who’d actually love me and remembers the next day.”

Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything back and merely breathes heavily. Zhoumi waits and waits but Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything. Zhoumi snarls in frustration and makes way for their shared bedroom. 

He grabs the largest bag he can find and throws his clothes in it. Zhoumi thought it was okay if they both tried, and it wasn’t. He wasn’t okay with it anymore. He didn’t want this—

“I don’t remember,” Kyuhyun breathes. “I don’t remember words.”

Zhoumi turns to see Kyuhyun in the doorway, eyes glassy and red. 

“But I’ve never forgotten this feeling,” Kyuhyun continues. “And when I think about it, I’m pretty sure it’s love.”

Zhoumi swallows painfully.

“Please don’t leave,” Kyuhyun whispers, finally succumbing to tears.

And Zhoumi doesn’t.)

\---

Even though he can’t remember what day Zhoumi said that first I love you, Kyuhyun knew it happened. He can’t remember whether it was before or after that day when he realized that he loved Zhoumi, but he knows it happened. Sometimes he sits down and stares at photo albums, trying desperately to remember when and how those happy moments were captured, but his mind comes up blank. 

And he knows it hurts Zhoumi when he doesn’t remember. 

While in most cases, Kyuhyun might come up with the logical conclusion to end their relationship—because it really wasn’t fair to either of them—yet he holds on. He clings to the future he’ll never fully remember and refuses to let Zhoumi go. 

He might not remember the dates or the words or the presents—especially if they were edible—but he recognizes the touches, the looks and the feelings. 

And Kyuhyun prays that it would be enough for Zhoumi. 

\---

(It is.)

\---

**Author's Note:**

> I am not a medical profession nor have I dealt with anterograde amnesia before. If I'm off the chart with anything, please forgive me.


End file.
